Whether you were together for a short time or most of your life, losing your husband/wife/partner shakes the foundation of your life.
The life you had, or the life you planned together no longer exists and that takes time and specific care to heal through.
The grief of losing a spouse can be complicated by the manner in which they passed, your relationship as a whole, or the state of your relationship at the time.
So many people are haunted by the last words they said to their spouse in anger, or by the loving words they never got to express.
If this fits your situation, you can write a letter to your spouse to say all the things you never got to say. You can speak to a picture of them or whatever feels right to you.
The most important thing for you is to pull in all the healthy supports you have available to you, even if that is professional or community supports and not family.
Trauma counseling may be required or spiritual supports if that feels right to you.
Grief doesn’t happen like in the movies – in real life families fight, families can be dysfunctional, estranged, or just unprepared to support you through your grief.
Whatever your situation, it may be helpful to explore extra supports in addition to family and friends.
Over the next year and years, your job is to explore and discover what YOU uniquely need to grieve, find comfort, and heal in a healthy way.
Over time, you will seek and discover ways to make peace with your loss, and to slowly figure out what your new or “now” life will look like.
Unfortunately, your life will not look the same again, but you can build a happy and peaceful new life over time.
Be gentle with yourself and others as grief is a journey, not an event. Grief changes you, and change takes time to adjust to.
Over time, you can decide what feels best to you to honour your spouse’s life or legacy.
The main thing is to take care of yourself, whatever that looks like to you and your situation, and to take good gentle care of yourself and any children while you adjust to the loss in your life.
Often, other people are in a hurry for you to “get over” your loss, or to start dating again.
There is no rush, and you can make the decision that feels best to you over time.
You may decide to date and marry again one day, you may not. Either choice is ok.
Whatever your “now” life ends up looking like, you can still make it a happy and fulfilling one.
The saying may sound trite, but it really is ok to just take it one step at a time.
Ruby