This is one of the questions I get asked the most, and I can tell you honestly, “It’s complicated”.
Generally and oversimplified, the first year is the hardest, and it’s a life-long process, but most people have found healthy ways to incorporate the loss by 3 – 5 years after the loss.
More specifically, grief is incredibly nuanced and individual, and it will be with you forever, but not in a bad way.
Grief is the price of loving and living, and in the end it is worth it.
So yes, the first year is the hardest because it is a year of firsts – first birthday without, first anniversary without, first holidays without, and the list goes on.
That does not mean that on day 366 everything is magically better; it’s a process.
Every singly human being on Earth grieves in a different way at different times.
Many people find the second year just as challenging because the loss is still very raw for them, but support people have gone back to their own lives and routines. By the start of year two, grievers are typically just starting to learn their personal healthy coping strategies, meaning the tools that they specifically need to cope – whether that is counseling, walks with friends, art, reading, screaming, joining a grief group, a biking group.
So whether you’ve been grieving for a few days, weeks, months, or years – the trick is to learn what YOU need to grieve in a healthy way at every point of your grief.
You will need Community – people to support you. You will need tools – things you can do while you are feeling the hard feelings. You will need hope and life – things that remind you that life and beauty still exist. You will need to give yourself and others some grace – grief is a process and the healthy tools take time to learn.
Here are just a few things you can try:
Feeling enraged? (which is normal) What harmless action can you do to release the rage from your body.
Feeling overwhelmed? (normal) Who can help you with daily tasks and child care.
Feeling lost and like you’re losing your mind? (also normal) Is their a grief group, counselor, or knowledgeable friend you can talk to?
Feeling numb and checked out? (normal response to overwhelm) Is there someone in your circle who can gently reconnect you to life – a funny movie, a friend you always have fun with, etc.?
Feeling the weight of unbearable sadness? (normal) Can you spend some time watching puppies play, or go to a greenhouse or somewhere in nature to remind your soul that life is everywhere?
Feeling like everyone (including you) is starting to forget your loved one? Can you organize a family movie night and watch home videos and share favourite funny stories about the person you lost?
As you move and grieve through the next days, weeks, months, and years – know that you are not alone (though the journey can feel lonely), and that you CAN learn tools and find people that will help you to support yourself and others as you move through your grief.
Ruby